I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize