I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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