Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
