The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
