i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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