don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
