I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
