I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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