I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
