Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
barbara walters just said penis...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
