I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
