I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
