just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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