mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
