she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
