textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
