He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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