I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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