My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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