my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
