Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
