i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
