i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
