dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
