Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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