just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
