There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
