She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
