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that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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