dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
