Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
