You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
