You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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