White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
