i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
