she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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