Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
