Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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