dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
