Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
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