i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
