Need sex. Gaining weight.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
