I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
