I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
