whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
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That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize