Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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