she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
