Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
