How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
