She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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