I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
