Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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