I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
