the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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