Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
